Everyone can be a little bit self-centered. After all, a healthy self-esteem and sense of worth can motivate people to accomplish remarkable things. However, when a person’s sense of self is so delicate and exaggerated that it disrupts their ability to maintain close relationships with friends, family, and spouses, they might have a disorder.
According to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), “narcissistic personality disorder” is characterized by the following criteria:
Most people, when being honest with themselves, can relate to these criteria to a small degree. However, when these characteristics result in serious disruption in normal behavior, narcissism becomes a disorder. This article uses the term “narcissistic” to refer to those who have a narcissistic personality disorder—not those who display reasonable amounts of self-importance.
Narcissists have a particular and somewhat delicate perception of the world and where they fit into it. When something shatters this perception, they can lash out dramatically. When narcissists are confronted with the notion of divorce, they can lash out at their former spouse, children, and others. While many divorcees can accept that their marriage is coming to an end, the narcissist may never come to terms with a divorce, often resenting the former spouse and blaming them for their self-esteem issues and unhappiness.
The skewed perception of a narcissist can wreak havoc on post-divorce family dynamics, especially when it comes to custody. For “normal” divorcees, it is natural for them to reflect on their ending marriage and ask, “What did I do wrong?” In contrast, narcissists blame their former spouse for their “failed” marriage.
When minor children are involved, they might be very susceptible to the narcissist’s outlook on the divorce. As a result, there is a significant risk of what is known as “parental alienation”—when a parent turns their children against the other parent using disparaging remarks and manipulation.
A narcissist’s almost addictive craving for admiration may motivate them to vie for their children’s affection. To the narcissist, divorce and custody become a game where they must come out as the victor. In the narcissist’s mind, victory also means ensuring their adversary’s loss. As a result, their winning children’s favor won’t be enough for the narcissist—they also need their children to hate the other spouse.
The narcissistic ex will try to figure out what their children don’t like about their former spouse—such as restrictions on “screen time,” socializing with friends, and eating junk food—and align themselves opposite their spouse’s parenting approach. A narcissistic will be sensitive to what makes their children unhappy about the divorce and emphasize that they would not have to go through the hardships of divorce but for the other parent’s actions. A narcissist might have a frightening ability to accomplish parental alienation discretely because they sincerely believe that their ex is to blame, imprinting their unique brand of logical reasoning to support this belief onto their children.
A narcissist seems like a nightmare to deal with during a divorce. However, there are ways to deal with them to minimize the negative impact on your, your children, and others.
If you are facing a difficult divorce with someone who exhibits narcissistic behavior, you should consult an experienced attorney at Moshtael Family Law. We will zealously advocate for you and your family’s rights to make sure your former spouse does not transgress your interests.
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